This page was last updated on February 5, 2009. Changes to these pages almost always are at the bottom.

This page has long, convoluted jokes that end with punchline puns. The stories in these jokes often aren’t worth the buildup; however, they’re clever in their way, and after hearing the first three or four of them, my defenses are down and I get to like them.

Do you have any long-story punchline puns? If so, send them to crassman@verycrasswords.com.

1. Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion  allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in the Deep South. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire in the craft to make themselves warm, the craft sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in  Spain, where he is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins, sweetheart! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Everyone liked to buy flowers from these men of God, but a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. She asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. She went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored her. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail; and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... what? A super- callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. There once was this person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

11. A poor homeless woman once found herself in an unfamiliar part of town that was a gathering place for prostitutes. She had to go to the bathroom very badly, and even though she was afraid of the prostitutes, she asked three of them to watch her things while she walked off to pee in some bushes. When she returned, all her things were gone, as were the prostitutes. She reported the theft at the police station. The cops were unsympathetic. One of them said, “That’s what you get when you put your cart before the whores.”

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